at mums

well, im at mums tonight. which i am kinda happy about. i need a break from that bloody house. wills lot have gone home today. thank god. i dont think i could put up with another night of the kids.

have found out about a club in exeter does a fetish evening. i dont know whether i should go. its leather, pvc ect ect and i havent got anything like that. sighs. plus, i wont know anyone there and i' ll look like a fucking idiot. hell, i always look like a fucking idiot. big change

i dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

guess who just remembered she had a blog

ok, so i dont have a fucking clue what is going on. E/everyone is leaving beautys and going to fantassias palace which i have been to a couple of times but i just cant get on with how it works. the chat moves way too quickly for me. plus, rhondwynn has stopped talking to me. fuck knows why. i havent done anything to upset her so i'll pass on that one

rt is working out ok, except for the fact that wills lot are down at the moment and driving me insane. i fucking hate kids and yet people expect me to change around wills niece and nephew. just coz they are stood infront of me, it aint gonna change the way i feel about kids. mum and wills mum have both been going on about when am i going to make them grandparents. well, tough fucking luck, they'll be waiting a long time. i'm 20 years old and am not willing to ruin the rest of my life just to make them grandparents.

open university has been chucked in the bin. i just couldnt get on with it. i know, i shouldnt quit blah blah blah. but when are people going to realise i am not clever enough to do university work. why cant they face the fact that i am happy working and saving up for a house that i may get one day *fingers crossed* will doesnt seem that interested in anything. seems to be content just working weekends and supposably doing his nvq work during the week. well, IM NOT CONTENT. i am so pissed off with living in this god forsaken grease pit which is his parents house. how they have not been shut down by the EHO i dont know. the roof in the kitchen leaks, there is a hole in the living room ceiling. the dish washer doesnt work, the washing machine is crap. there are mice running riot in the place. and the kitchen is just filthy. its covered in grease ect ect.

decorated our room last week. will and his mother decided to get the wrong fucking paint so now the room looks pink. I FUCKING HATE PINK. at least our new wardrobe came so that we actually have somewhere to hang our clothes.

i really want to go back home. but i dont want to leave will. im torn between two places. i want to go home coz i miss my family, i miss the dogs, i miss the fact that i can sit in the living room and have a decent conversation with someone. but if i leave here will cant come with me so i am stuck. plus, there just isnt enough room at mums anymore. but i know if i stay here much longer i am going to kill myself. i just cant put up with wills parents, i cant put up with the way the house is filthy all the time.

i dont think will has realised how i feel. he seems content to stay at home, play on the computer, watch tv. do FUCK ALL basically. i think i am getting cabin fever. i need to go out somewhere, do something. even if its just going to the cinema. hell i cant remember the last time i went to the cinema. the last time i went to the pub was at our works do, before christmas. i am stuck in a boring marriage, AND IM NOT EVEN MARRIED YET!!!!!!!!!!!!

*goes to kill myself*

urgh

ok, we had a huge fucking row over this valentines thing. i went to work on tuesday to hear how everyone got flowers, choccies, a card, dinner ect ect. and what did i get. NOTHING!!!!!

Its a bit better now that its out in the open. He still hasnt done anything to make it up to me though. which hurts. it really does

and can i just add, i am so fucking horny. and messing around with chris is helping. its just making me more horny

god, i just want Will to grab me and drag me upstairs. W/we used to spend all day in bed when we first started going out but i havent had sex for a week now and im going insane. am i a sex maniac?!?!?

valentines day

*sighs* no card, no present, no nothing. it was all so romantic. HUH. i know its just a big advertisement ploy but a simple card would have been nice. i got Him a chain *sighs*

i got an extension on my open uni tma. like its going to help. im never going to pass this bloody thing. i barely scrapped a pass on my last one. mum seemed to fly through hers. obviously dont get it from her side of the family.

got a wedding to go to in july. i think i know which dress i want to get but i'll still look stupid in it. every time i look in the mirror i just want to cry. i hate the way i look *stops eating now*

oh, have i mentioned im in such a good mood.

kinda happy

I SAW RAMMSTEIN!!!!!!!!! i am so fucking glad i saw them. the show was absolutely amazing. fire works, flamethrowers (on their FACES) the lot. well, that what i could see. some stupid woman infront of me nearly died coz she kept elbowing me and standing on my feet. plus she had a fag in her hand which kept getting closer and closer to my face. i nearly put it up her nose. will literally had to hold me back which was funny. other than that it was a really good night. had fun on the bus ride home. got the back seat *naughty grin*

shoulder is still fucking hurting. got some medicated strips to try on it but they stink. can only really wear them at home and im not there most of the time at the moment. gotta go to the doctors sometime. when i can be bothered. like thats every gonna happen

decided to redecorate the bedroom as it still looks like a bloody hotel room at the moment. i hate it. its a horrible blue colour. lavender central here we come. so much more relaxing. and we're getting a new wardrobe. love it. expensive but oh well

woo hoo. off to costa del sol in june for a week. fucking fab. unfortunately going with mum and sophie aswell. would be nice if it was just me and will. oh well, maybe next time. mmmmmmmm. gonna get a sun tan. yay. well, i hope. went to florida for two weeks and i wasnt even pale. ggggrrrrrrrr

damn, this is a long one

ok, signing off now

*screams*

why is it hurting so much? i dont understand it. the pain never goes away. i take painkiller after painkiller and nothing seems to work. i am dreading tomorrow coz the concert is gonna be packed and it is going to be agony. oh well, guess i had better go to bed coz i've got an early morning. oh joy.

i got bored at work so i started writing

I lie there, unable to move. Chest heaving, winded by the impact. The ground shakes as I feel them run past me, their bodies full of life, sweating gleaming in the sun.

Dark pools of chocolate eyes watch as men run to me. My owner, my master, stands above me, placing a shaking hand on my neck. I watch him as he looks over my battered body, eyes resting on my leg, broken, shattered by the fall.

I try to lift myself, admitting defeat as my energy leaves me.

A curtain of darkness surrounds me, held up by figures with unseen faces. Another man, dressed in brightly coloured silk, limps towards me, his hand, knuckles bloodied, lowers to my chest. Sadness fills his face.

A figure approaches us, shiny metal object in hand. My eyes close, listening as he nears me. The object presses to my head as I let out a final sigh, waiting for the click.

Pained words fill my ears as the man in silk, my jockey, talks to me, whispering

'If only you hadn't fallen'

CLICK